February 2012
12 posts
Here We Gay Again...
My wife occasionally brings home free screener/review copies of stuff on DVD, and this morning she pulled this from her bag and said, in a wholly appropriate tone, “I got this.”
We have not watched a single frame, nor do I think the case will ever be cracked and the DVD’s contained inside will not see the light of day, much like the Ark of the Covenant, both of which will...
The jokes won't tell themselves.
I’ve been spending a lot of time in Oakland lately, what with my new hardcore lifestyle to sling them dollar bills. And my new job is in an office building in downtown Oakland, so there’s that. But picture me rollin’. However, tomorrow night I’ll be in Oakland for a different reason: comedy! After an absence from the Layover I’ll be joining a helluva lineup,...
January 2012
6 posts
It's Going Down! Ugh! Yeah! You Know!
Headline courtesy of my rapping neighbors, who spend their free time (of which they apparently have ample) recording rap songs in their studio apartment, with such groundbreaking and interesting platitudes as the above. With any luck they usually get super-high around 3 p.m., stop shouting “I got yo back, dawg!!” loudly into a microphone and just focus on playing “Call of...
December 2011
2 posts
This Just Got Diabetes-ier.
Damn, girl. Look at you. Whatchu doing with all that ass up in them jeans? Now that we’ve made it clear that I’m all about that booty, here’s another thing you should know…the ongoing food blog I’ve been working on for a couple of years just posted a new entry, over at the San Francisco Burger Blog. As usual, it’s a mix of food porn, silliness and ridiculous...
November 2011
1 post
September 2011
1 post
To Infartity, and Beyond
Hey, how are you? Good? Glad to hear it. Things have been kind of a shitstorm in the midst of a poo-hail while standing in authentic Australian Feces-boots for yours truly in the past few weeks, and in the midst of that my doctor recommend I focus on rewatching “Game of Thrones” while drinking heavily. Well, no doctor ever said that, but after two scotches you can convince yourself...
August 2011
2 posts
HOLY CRAP FART POOP
If you haven’t seen me perform in a while, I’m hilarious and awesome. But also, I have a bit I do sometimes that eventually ties into me naming a TV show, “That’s So Rapin’.” Obviously it’s genius and I’m riding sugar wheels into a field of cotton candy with writing like that, but then today I get a post from friend and comedy associate Kaseem...
Verse, Chorus, Meh.
Up until I got my first CD player, I mostly listened to tapes of “Weird” Al Yankovic and the radio. I was young and stupid, and I say that about radio, not Weird Al. Then for one of my formative teen birthdays (I think my 13th) my parents bought me a stereo with a CD player, and the first CD’s I purchased to listen to were - of course - Weird Al’s most recent album, the...
July 2011
3 posts
Blast From The Past...
Many moons ago, before the dawn of civilization, there was a thing called Myspace. On that long-forgotten site was a blogging feature, and yours truly wrote a ton of blogs. A friend once even recorded a song about how much I blogged. If I ever find it again, I will post it. In the meantime, I’m going to post a few of the old blogs for shits and giggles. Enjoy. May 19th, 2009 - Tis The...
Happy 4th of July
Happy 4th of July. Get all up in some junk food and booze to celebrate how rad America is. Then, make sure to get your drunk, fat ass down to 50 Mason in San Francisco before 10 p.m. to see me on a good show with a slew of other ‘Merica-lovers as we attempt to save the world. If our forefathers could rewrite the Declaration of Independence, they’d probably clarify their stance on...
June 2011
5 posts
I Can't Wait For "The Zookeeper!"
The most subversive movie of the summer has gotta be “The Zookeeper,” starring Kevin James. In it he plays a jaded man who is dumped by the love of his life, and in the depth of his loneliness he begins talking to the same animals he spends his days watching over, feeding and scooping up feces for. He begins having long, twisted conversations with them in which they encourage him to...
Things To Put Into Your Faceholes!
Last night I waited nearly two hours for some stage time. By the time I got up the audience was tired - of comedy, of watching attempts at comedy, of their uncomfortable wooden chairs. They wanted out. So when I got a couple of laughs pretty quickly, it was nice. And when I paused at one point between beats of a joke and heard this: “This guy is actually pretty good.” …it was...
Like Sands Through The Hourglass...
This has already been a really fun week - Tuesday night saw me performing in both San Francisco and Oakland, running from Castagnola’s on Fisherman’s Wharf to the Layover via BART (and a sprint from a streetcar to the BART station - not the greatest development for an overweight dude in a sports jacket) and both shows turned out to be a lot of fun. Then Wednesday was Rooster...
May 2011
10 posts
Summer Lovin'
Recently I began undergoing some professional therapy. Mostly because I loooove 80’s comedy but no airlines serve food anymore. Actually it’s for a slight case of the Gloomy Gusses (pro term) but in an in-depth discussion about it, my doctor says performing standup does have a bit of neediness built into it, but that overall it’s a good outlet and clearly provides some...
Rapture Me!
Since Saturday is supposedly the day Jesus returns, high-fives his loyal followers and gives them a $50 gift card to their favorite store, then tags out and lets Beezlebub take over for a few decades, I’ve become obsessed with what the people who actually believe this stuff are going to do and say when it doesn’t happen, which we all realize is what’s actually going to...
It Came From Ann Arbor...
Growing up, my best friend had a younger brother named Tim. Even though he was several years younger than us, Tim got to hang out with us because Tim was always hilarious. Whatever we would do to make each other laugh, Tim would top it. Tim was the one who ran around a neighborhood bare naked in the dead of winter during a snowstorm. For about 15 MINUTES. Tim was the one who would smoke pot...
Fast5 4Eva
On the recommendation of my friend Joey Devine, yesterday I saw “Fast Five,” even cajoling my wife to join me for the testosterone-laden ‘splosion party. If you enjoy: -constant tough guy sweating -lines written by ActionBot 2000 -believing that physics can be ignored if you RULE -bikini parties -manhood! Manhood! MANHOOD! -boompowkablooeys …then you owe it to yourself to...
April 2011
9 posts
Shows Shows Shows!
Shows coming up: April 26th, 8pm - The Comedy Shop at the Circolo Lounge, SF April 27th, 8pm - The Burger Kings of Comedy at Tommy T.’s, Pleasanton CA: I still have a couple of free passes for this. Drop me a line if you want in for FREE! Save your money for liquor and red meat. April 30th, 9pm - End Of Month Mayhem at Radio in Oakland, CA May 7th, 8pm - Wharf Room Comedy at...
Incepisstion
Sometimes at night I’ll start having vivid dreams about really having to pee, and just as (in the dream) I find a urinal or toilet, something will stop me - usually somebody shouting or the facility starting to fall apart, and I’ll have to run away still having to pee. What finally happens is that I wake up with a painfully full bladder and run to the bathroom to relieve myself. This...
Taco Bellin'
The other day my wife and I drove down the Pacific Coast Highway towards the town of Pacifica, which I realize sounds like the beginning to the laziest Lord of the Rings fanfiction ever conceived. But we were just trying to get out of the city for a few hours because the relentless act of being asked for change was driving us crazy. While on our trip we came across a Taco Bell located right on...
Setting Sail...
Because of a slew of other commitments in the past week I haven’t been onstage. At all. It sucks and I’m getting the heebie-jeebies. Tomorrow I’m hitting an open mic or three, and Friday I’m performing once again with the Burger Kings of Comedy at the Downtown Comedy Theater (I think that’s what it’s called now?) on Ellis. $5 to get in, shows at 8pm and 10pm. ...
