2013 YEAR END SPECTACULAR AWARDS EXTRAVAGANZA!!!
Time to give out some Barkasties, an award that was just made up while typing this episode description! But enough about that, Jeff and Andrew have a whole year of Bars to reminisce about! They’ll try to remember where they were, come up with names„ and try and piece together the evidence before the SFPD does. Plus clips, tributes, and the Drew Harmon memorial award for best guest!
- Bee Gees - Stayin Alive
- Hot Chip - Flutes
- Tony Orlando and Dawn - Knock Three Times
- Europe - The Final Countdown
- Talking Heads - Found A Job
I’m not totally sure why they named one award the “Drew Harmon Memorial Award,” but if I die this year I presume it will be (a) alcohol related and (b) at either Jeff or Andrew’s hand. But in the meantime - enjoy!
A Very Special Episode of Chucklepedia
Warm up your heart-cockles with this very special eggnog-fueled episode of Chucklepedia. Happy Holidays!
Classic Christmas Stories (updated for modern conservatives)
How the Gay Stole Christmas
Long ago shunned because of his sinful lifestyle, The Gay lives above Jesusville in a cave all alone. One year the Gay decides to wage a war against Christmas, and one night he sneaks into town and tears down all the “Merry Christmas” signs and replaces them with – gasp! – “Happy Holidays” signs. Upon waking up and finding the signs changed, the citizens of Jesusville consider that the true meaning of Christmas isn’t really about signs, but then they decide that, no, this is a huge deal, so they all grab their guns, march up to the Gay’s cave and shoot him dead, recovering their signs and eradicating the world of the terrible Gay. Christmas is saved and everybody gets Xboxes.
A Christmas Carol
Among the richest men in the country, Ebenezer Scrooge is also considered greedy, selfish and generally unpleasant by the people who work for him, do business with him or just encounter him on the street. Then one Christmas Eve, three ghosts visit everybody but Scrooge and show them how his business is actually what makes the country great, and to ask him to share his money would be a form of socialism that would only create moochers who rely on government entitlements. Everybody wakes up on Christmas morning and gathers outside Scrooge’s house, where they all agree that he should get even more tax incentives and more lax regulations on employment laws.
It’s A Wonderful Life
George Bailey, a poor liberal, runs a store where he takes rich people’s tax money and gives it to black people to buy Cadillacs. One day George is on his way to the bank to deposit the latest batch of rich people’s money, but he gets distracted by a dice game and leaves the money sitting on a trash can next to some empty Four Loko cans. Local rich man Mr. Potter finds it and uses the money to throw a big party for his rich friends. Meanwhile, all the poor people get angry at George because they don’t have any money to buy crack or Air Jordans for their babies anymore and they kill George, leaving nobody else to collect rich people’s tax money any longer.
Frosty the 128-ounce Soda
Frosty is a delicious, 128-ounce soda who comes to life when somebody puts a camouflage trucker hat on him. But when he comes to life he finds there’s a group of evil Democratic politicians who want to get rid of people’s freedom to enjoy gigantic jugs of sugary beverages. To save people’s freedoms he gathers a group of kids and they travel to Alaska, where you can drink all the soda you want. At the end Santa shows up and gives all the kids a year supply of insulin and needles.
A Christmas Story
Young Midwestern boy Ralphie wants a gun. He gets two guns. Merry Christmas!
This year my wife and I ordered a tree online. They’ve been terrible at delivering it and it was time to complain. But, y’know, be Christmas-y about it.
Like a pebble thrown into a bottomless cavern, or a shot glass of water poured into the ocean, another podcast has been recorded, uploaded and made available for your listening pleasure. Sure, we know you have your choice of over 18 billion podcasts, but why not give ours a try? It’s infotainingly hilaricational!
Chucklepedia - also on iTunes and Stitcher.
And God Bless Us, Everyone.
Hey, everybody! Happy Holidays and junk.
A big “Thank you!” to the people who came out to see me do some shows in November – I headlined a few, had some fun and enjoyed meeting a few people who had actually seen me perform before and came out because they saw my name on a poster on Facebook. That was very nice, especially when I’ve always operated under the assumption that nobody knows who the hell I am.
For December I’m going to be absent from the stage entirely – I have a fair amount of pressing business at the job that actually pays the bills, as well as some freelance projects that are demanding attention. You can even get on one of them on Social Media, as the great company Nokia has hired yours truly to write some silly holiday-themed tweets for them. If you’re of the Twitter universe, please follow them and give a few RT and Favorites if you’re so inclined. I’ll be writing for them through December as we all experience the Holiday season together.
In the meantime, there will be another podcast coming soon, as well as a long-awaited burger blog entry. I just get to do both of those at home with a glass of eggnog and still be asleep by 10pm. And if you’re wondering, this year I just want cash. So send cash.
I’ve been doing a fair amount of standup since I got back to Cali a few weeks back and it’s been a lot of fun – some new ideas are taking shape onstage, it’s been great to see some other comics I haven’t seen in a while and I’ve met a ton of new(ish) comics in the area who I’d never seen before. I’ve got some more shows coming in the next few weeks, but tomorrow night I’m headlining the Walk The Plank competition show in San Francisco at Neck of the Woods (formerly Rockit Room) and that means I’ll be doing about 25 minutes at the end of the show as votes are tallied and dreams are crushed.
After tomorrow I just have some shorter sets ahead, and then I have some other things brewing in my writing life that are looking to eat up my entire December, so performances in the Holly-Jolly season may be few and far between. If you’re looking to see yours truly do a longer set, tomorrow night is the night! And besides, I could use a few loyal faces amidst the sea of people who are only there to see if their friend gets to have their hopes destroyed or their head filled with dreams of telling jokes to people for money.
Thanks. Hope to see you there.
Happy Post-Halloween, pre-Holiday and oh-my-god-they’re-already-playing-Christmas-music-at-the-Mall time. Yours truly just returned from Michigan for a visit with family. It’s been two years since we were able to make the trek and it was a good one; we saw a lot of old friends, spent a lot of time with family and really enjoyed the whole Autumn-ness of Michigan in late October.
But now I’m back! Time to do some comedy and junk! Here’s what’s coming up:
Monday, November 4th– Melt
This is in San Francisco’s North Beach neighborhood, is free to get in and starts at 8pm.
Wednesday, November 6th – Walk the Plank at Masses
I’m hosting this opening round of the Walk the Plank competition in Walnut Creek. Lots of hopes will be crushed and jokes will be told!
Thursday, November 7th – Nightlife on Mars at Murphy’s Pub in San Francisco
This is my first time doing this show and I’m looking forward to it. Great room and good crowds to be had!
Monday, November 11th – LOL at OMG Lounge in San Francisco
This is my first time doing this new-ish room as well. Continuing my quest to eventually do mediocre in every comedy room in the Bay Area!
Wednesday, October 13th – Headlining Walk the Plank at Neck of the Woods in San Francisco
For this show, instead of hosting I’ll be closing out the evening with 20-25 minutes as votes are tallied, pre-hope-crushing. Come see how sweaty I get being onstage that long!
Also coming soon: a new episode of Chucklepedia AND a new entry in the San Francisco Burger Blog canon. Then even more to come, until I get lazy again and go back to watching seasons of Battlestar Galactica!
The San Francisco Burger Blog Needs Some New Blood
The so-called #6 “Greatest Burger Site On The Web,” the San Francisco Burger Blog (also called weird and “the burger blog David Foster Wallace would write if he wrote about burgers and wasn’t dead”) hasn’t been posting much lately because it’s been hard to get the old team together. So now we need YOU (yes, YOU…well, maybe not you) to join in. If you’re not familiar, please take a look at the site (may I recommend this review and this review?) and familiarize yourself.
The reviews work as such: I pick the place and time, the crew arrives and the picture taking begins. On average I take about 100 pictures for every review, of which about 15 will get posted on the site. You get to order any burger you want and any other beverages, sides, extraneous other items are also totally up to you. In some cases we have a contact at the place and get comped food, but in most cases you will be paying for your own meal. I’ll be snapping pictures the whole time and the goal is for un-posed casual photos. At the end of the trip I ask for everybody’s opinions, which I scribble into a notebook for reference. I write up the reviews typically within a week of the visit, and while I am not terribly open to suggestions for editing/phrasing/etc., I also am careful not to write anything insulting or mean-spirited about the people in the review. I’m looking for a team of 4-6 people to join my wife and I for this first outing in the new pantheon of fat-based blogging.
Does this sound like something you’re interested in? The next review will occur on Saturday, October 19th at approximately 1pm. If you’re interested and based in the San Francisco/Bay Area, please send me the following to firstname.lastname@example.org:
-Anything about a Twitter/Facebook/Tumblr/blog/etc you may have
-a brief paragraph about why you’d be an awesome addition to a review.
People will be selected based on my own personal criteria at the moment I finally make a decision and whether or not you look like you’ve ever considered the merits of creating a human skinsuit.