This is what comedians do instead of hugs. Although San Francisco/Bay Area comics do tend to hug a lot. Thanks to Dash and Samantha, and Joe Gorman can go straight to Hell.
This show is tonight and will be delightful from start to finish. If I’m wrong, I will help you get free shirtless hugs from somebody napping nearby Golden Gate Park. I promise.
This is happening in Grand Rapids, Michigan this Sunday. Lots of fun, giggles and hee-haw’s. Be there!
Seven years ago today, I somehow convinced this woman to stand next to me and be all, “yeah, I’ll marry you.” Little did she know the torment and anguish that would follow. On the plus side, I make a pretty solid breakfast, but still - she got the short end of the stick.
Love you honey!
Tonight in San Francisco - come see me and some other of comedy’s finest and sexiest for FREE at 50 Mason, near Powell St. BART. Plus - FREE PIZZA!!!
Recently, I decided to quit drinking. I prefer to look at it as I realized that I’d had all the drinks a person needs in a lifetime and decided to move onto other things, rather than I’d developed a nice steady drinking habit that was going to eventually kill me.
So far, it’s been a pretty easy ride. A few years back I did six months sober and was very happy about it, then for some reason decided it was time to get back on the brown pony and ride him all the way to Drunkburg, which is just past Pissyourpantsville. I clearly have some mental work to do but I’m very happy with my decision to quit the booze.
However, I am finding a few unexpected results from quitting drinking. Yes, there’s the boring, old “my wife isn’t threatening to divorce me” story and the “oddly enough, my skin stopped being red and blotchy and I wasn’t bloated or having diarrhea regularly” story, but those are stupid and nobody cares.
The one I wasn’t expecting was to start having dreams again. I had dreams regularly while I still drank, but oftentimes I guess my head was so loaded with chemicals and my body was so busy burning through the booze that the best my brain could muster was, “here’s you walking around, or something, I don’t know - I’m tired because you drink too much.”
But now I’m having vivid, realistic dreams. There are stories and plotlines and B-stories and character development and all that shit, and I’m finding that I’m waking up convinced that some of the details were real because they were so vivid, and also because I apparently haven’t allowed myself to mature with my own brain development because I was regularly going to sleep wasted from age 20-35. So my brain kept learning and growing and was prepping all sorts of kickass storylines for me to watch at night, but instead I was doing the mental equivalent of toking up 17 hardcore bong rips, setting the channel onto public access and then turning my channel changer into a new pipe, bro, I know a dude who did it and it smoked sooo good, maaaaan.
So far the dreams fall into three categories:
By far the most fun of the dreams, this one takes all my fun foibles, mistakes, whoopsie-daisies and outright fuck-ups and then exaggerates details so it’s even worse. Very fun to wake up to, because then I get to think, “oh, it wasn’t THAT bad” but then return to, “but it was PRETTY BAD…” and go through that mental baggage.
I thought my libido was going down because I was aging, turns out I was just killing my testicles with whiskey! These are also vivid and contain a weird mixture of my wife, made-up women whom I don’t know and most likely conjured from thin air, and a couple of women I know who I now get to act awkward around forever because in my head I know my brain had us knocking boots.
-dreams about drinking again
These may even just be replays of me while super-drunk, as seen from somebody else’s eyes. They are humiliating and remind me to not drink again.
About to head to bed early so I can wake up early and get to work on some things. Here’s hoping tonight is the night for me to be a Game of Thrones character or something.
Tonight will be my first night driving Lyft in San Francisco. First person to puke in my car gets a punch in the nuts. First person to complain about the endless Willie Nelson playlist can GIT OUT.
Shows Shows Shows!
Want to see me stand on a stage telling jokes and sweating? Here’s where you can catch me in the coming weeks!
July 3rd - Comet Club in San Francisco, CA
8:30PM, free to get in
Start your 4th of July weekend by watching fireworks - COMEDY fireworks! A very funny lineup of fellow comics who also have nowhere to go and nobody else to spend their holiday with, so we look for love in the arms of a Marina audience. Please be there. We need you.
July 9th - Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale, CA
8PM, $10 to get in
This is Rooster’s “New Talent Night.” I will be attempting to showcase new talents, such as not offending the person who books the place in the hopes of someday performing there on a night other than Wednesday.
July 12th - 50 Mason Social House in San Francisco, CA
8PM, $5 to get in
Saturday night, near Powell St. BART and free pizza! I’ll be performing with some other great comics and it will be delightful. They have beer, wine and Mexican Coke, which seems like it should be both offensive and a drug reference but isn’t.
July 15th - Milk Bar in San Francisco
8PM, free to get in
A lovely showcase of some of the Bay Area’s best and brightest, and also I will be there.
July 20th, Sunday Night Funnies at the Riverfront Hotel’s Landing Lounge in Grand Rapids, MI
8:30PM, free to get in, 2-drink minimum
While I’m visiting Michigan I will only be doing one set at this great show. I did it once a few years ago and had a ton of fun and am looking forward to doing it again.
July 24th, Nightlife On Mars at Murphy’s Pub in San Francisco
8PM, free to get in
Fresh from Michigan, I’ll be returning to one of San Francisco’s premiere basement-located comedy showcases. If you’re lucky, I may have observations about the differences between Michigan and California!
July 31st, Comedy Off Broadway at the Washington Inn, Oakland CA
8PM, $10 to get in
I’ll be wrapping up July by doing a set at one of my favorite showcases in the Bay Area, the CoBo Show in Oakland. It’s close to BART and they have tasty food and cheap drinks. Be there!